There are times when I hate my life, that such it is. I feel guilty for loving my wife because I know she's unhappy with me, grieving over her father's death, despising her job and former co-workers in particular who refused to pick up the slack after he died suddenly on the day before the birthday she shares with him.
I'm not there for her emotionally, physically, or otherwise and I know it makes her life harder.
I feel guilty for not being the father I should be to my step-daughter and my youngest boy. It tears me to shreds every time he says, "Dad, I hope your back doesn't hurt so much tomorrow" or "I wish you had never hurt yourself so we could do stuff together." It kills me when my emotions take over and I'm angry over stupid things, lashing out at the people who hold me closest.
There are times when I hate myself. A lot.
4 comments:
We all love you honey.
Do you hate me for not always being "there" for my spouse? For not always playing with my son when he asks me to? For lashing out? Isn't the big, stupid world full of enough hate without you adding your own self-loathing? Human nature is a bitch sometimes, ain't it? I know your health puts you in a different mindset than my mindset, but, I am just trying to point out that we all have our shortcomings. Peace.
I, in no way, can compare whatever puts me in a bad mood to your pain, but I do think a big part of my problem is not allowing myself to feel whatever it is I feel and just accept it---however ugly and nasty and mean and spiteful it is. I can appreciate the notion that we can all strive to do better and feel better, but sometimes I think we just need to temporarily ride out the nastiness that is inside all of us. Soak in it, I guess.
Because when I allow myself to feel guilty over it, it just makes me feel even worse than accepting that sometimes I just feel like shit and am an asshole.
@Cindy--I understand your point just as I know that Ell and the kids love me. Perhaps, someday I'll master the art of communicating; however, until then, plz note that "being human" is...sometimes...an extremely trying exercise when one's perception of the rest of humanity is unpredictability askew and inconveniently persistent.
I'm sure you understand that it's unfortunately not as simple as "getting on with life" or hitting a switch and the struggle to suppress the accompanying psychic pain exhausts the strongest and most resilient of us, i.e. no matter how long or difficult, I want, NEED to win this race.
I want a healthy, supportive & wonderful marriage with my Ell, and want to develop well-balanced and happy children prepared to take on the world on their own terms and talents. It's impossible to envision these desires when all I can do sleep, cry at commercials or songs, sleep, feel guilty, lose objectivity in all things important, and not be there when needed most. Plz know that I'm trying.
ps-thnx for reading and remarking. We still good?
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